Shadow Warrior
I wanted to write a few words on a painful experience I have been going through. It’s not a very pretty one, but a story I believe needs to be told.
When I was 2 years old, my uncle jumped from the 4th floor of his building. Although he didn’t die from this, he became paraplegic and soon after passed away.
This was one of the most tragic deaths in my family history. A wound that feels so deep that it often terrifies me to go there.
As his birthday was nearing on the 18th of April, I began to feel increasingly depressive and suicidal. Feelings I had not felt since I was 20 years old.
For a while, I did all I could to isolate these feelings and not feel them at all. They spoke of a past I didn’t want to go back to.
Yet, in time, I started to realize that there was no running away from these shadows. Only one path truly existed. Unconditional love — the allowing, accepting, and embracing of all that was arising.
Feeling wounds like these, and facing thoughts of wanting to die, are not easy experiences.
What has helped me perhaps the most is sharing about what I am experiencing at the moment, even if I don’t fully understand what it is.
There are surely challenges in my life right now, but none that truly motivate a desire to end my life.
When I allow myself to sink into these feelings and the unending sadness I feel in my heart, I often recall my uncle.
I may have been only 3 years old when he died, yet, I still feel the grief of his loss regularly, as a crucial part of my life.
We had a lot in common. We were both very sensitive and struggling to find our place in the world. Both feeling crushed by the conventional system.
Fortunately, I’ve come further than he did on his path. His light was too tough to bare, and drowned amidst an abusive father, alcohol, and drugs.
But his legacy remains. Partly one of grief that was never fully acknowledged. Partly one of a sensitive soul that yearned to create a different path.
I speak about all of this not to dwell on suffering, nor to draw in pity. But to remind us that the path of humanity is through facing our shadows.
Shadows that often come with deep wounds we cannot explain with words. Wounds that make us cry uncontrollably and feel like they will never heal.
This is the path of a Shadow Warrior. One that is not afraid of going into the source of his or her suffering.
Feeling the depth of pain, pain that may not even be yours, is one of the most courageous human acts.
At a moment of crisis, I was talking to my mother about the pain I felt. Pain that felt so deep that I was begging for it to end.
She answered something that helped me in this trial: “Feel it fully. No matter how painful it is, it cannot kill you.”
Whereas this may sound like crude advice, this was an absolute truth. No matter how afraid I was of feeling, this could not end my life.
It is often because we are so afraid of feeling that we resort to dysfunctional habits.
Yet, in the core of our suffering, in the presence of our sacred wounds, we are creating new space for ourselves and our families.
The path that I am describing here is one of deep inner work.
I believe many alive today, working on themselves, have this in their soul’s DNA. They are here to alchemize darkness and transmute the suffering of more than one lifetime.
It may scare the shit out of us. We may want to run away from the wounds that entrap us and our loved ones.
But eventually, we will face them all.
I morn my uncle for I wish I could share my journey with him. I wish I could talk to him about my struggles, as I know he would understand.
Yet, I’ve always known he was still here, by my side, guiding my footsteps.
I do not believe life ends when we die. I believe we are eternal beings, here on out to create a different reality on Earth.
One where sensitives can live with an open-heart. Where children are free from abuse. Where our souls can truly shine.
So no matter what you are going through right now, this is my message to you.
You were born for these times. You were born to transmute these wounds and create a different future for yourself and your lineage.
The Shadow Warrior is a warrior of love. One that dives into the darkness and accepts whatever pain has been hidden away.
May love guide you through this journey into the depths, until you find out who you really are — the love that can embrace all suffering.
Let we create a different path in honor of our ancestors and all that helped us get to where we are today.
We may be at one of the most intense points in human history. Yet, we are ready for this shift. No matter how chaotic and fearful the future may seem, the path to our light is within, through our pain and through our shadows.
And if we don’t do it all for ourselves, may we do it for those who have fallen, and for the children of tomorrow.
Let we create a different a world where love can blossom, and all wounds be healed.
We are ready, and now is our time.
One of my current explorations is the Venus Sequence. For those unfamiliar with the Gene Keys, this work takes us into our shadows and teaches us to transform them into gifts. The Venus Sequence is the most intense teaching of the Gene Keys, and goes gradually into our deepest wounds. I am 5 months into this journey and it has been profoundly emotional, revealing, and heart-opening. If you feel ready to dive into your emotions, wounds, and shadows in relationships, I cannot recommend it enough. However, be prepared for a wild ride.
An additional resource I have been enjoying a lot is a series of talks on reincarnation. I’ve found these conversations between Richard Rudd and Christopher Bache to be insightful, hopeful, and practical. I have no doubt on the question of reincarnation, yet, I sometimes struggle to understand the purpose of human life if we never truly die. This is part of the inquiries these talks address, and I highly recommend them if this subject calls your awareness.
Finally, a question / exercise I’ve been contemplating. If you’ve ever felt like your sensitivity was a curse or was too overwhelming, I invite you to place your hand on your heart and ask: "What would it feel like to fully trust that my sensitivity is my superpower?" Notice what arises without trying to change it. Allow, accept, embrace.
